IUI 2: Day 14 - Trigger, Day 15 - IUI #1 of 2

June 6, 2011

It's a little funny to me that this time I've had a stronger dose of Clomid, and stuck to the normal day 3-7 dosing schedule, but apparently my body doesn't want to co-operate just yet. I got checked on Friday, Sunday, and again this morning, and I think I'm finally ready to go tonight. Good news is I have two follicles that look like they are mature, bad news is, I have to drive to Rockville for both IUI's this time...it's about 1 hour + each way, so it's not real conveinent either. I was feeling pretty good about going through the process again, I think until standing at the receptionist desk at the clinic this morning trying to schedule those two IUIs. It was just like nothing was possible as far as scheduling, and I half expected them to tell me "sorry, you'll just have to wait another month." The waiting room was packed again this morning, and I think that also freaks me out. So many people have a problem getting pregnant on their own. It just continues to amaze me. It also gives me such sadness. I stood there at the receptionist desk with tears in my eyes, trying to hold them back to mask my disappointment that I wouldn't be able to have MY doctor, MY nurse there with ME...again. I think a combination of hormones and tiredness of course isn't the best mix for me, but, I just really kind of lost it and spent a good hour of the morning in tears.

My friend, The Belgian, and his girlfriend/wife and kids were visiting for the past almost week and it was nice to have someone to listen to me talk it out and reassure me that I'm not crazy (although, I think I really am) and that what I've been dealing with is kind of normal. I want really want to believe that, but sometimes I wonder because I feel so stuck inside my head sometimes...

June 7, 2011

As I was typing this (now yesterday), my very awesome nurse called to tell me that she told the scheduling person that I HAD to come to the regular office for the IUI's -- so they got me in, for both rounds. I can't tell you how grateful I am for her, and for that. For whatever reason, knowing that I was going to have to go to another doctor, in a far away place was such a small thing that suddenly completely overwhelmed me. For me, I guess in part its sitting around in an office filled with so many sad people, knowing you're another number in this great big machine, and every personal element (your nurse, your doctor, the familiarity of at least that office) gets stripped away, it just reminds you of why you're there in the first place, and it reminds you that you are only one thing to them: 760122.

My nurse, is the silver lining...and by just making an extra effort for me to get into my office today and tomorrow, really, really, helped give me back some perspective. It just really hit me again:

I continue to feel overwhelmed and struggle to make sense of all of this.

I've also come to a realization....

Let's Try It Again

IUI Round Two is officially underway. The doctor increased my Clomid to 100 mg, and this time I did not act like a total psycho beotch, and in fact felt pretty darn good. I go back on the 3rd to see how many little follicles I have produced, and looks like we'll be sperminating me on June 4 & 5.

IUI 1: Day 29 - The Results Are In...

Well, the 6 pregnancy tests I took were right...I am infact NOT pregnant. Or, as everyone in all the fertility circles would say - I got a BFN (a Big Fat Negative).

Seeing as I have not consumed any units of alcohol in 17 days, there is a bottle of champagne in the refridgerator and it has my name on it.

We'll try again in June!!!!

IUI 1: Day 28 - It feels like it's been 100 days

SO, I've taken 6 pregnancy tests and all are NEGATIVE. I go for my official bloodwork tomorrow - but I am already certain of the outcome. I don't feel pregnant. I don't believe that I am. And I won't be diasppointed tomorrow when they call to tell me what I already know. It didn't work this time.

Everyone keeps telling me that it's too soon, and that a pregnancy test wouldn't show anything yet...but I've read plenty of posts on fertility forums where by if they were positive, the tests would have already shown it. I'm ok and really realistic about it.

Wish I could try again in May, but I'm going on a cruise that will land smack at the time I' should be getting the IUI, so we'll have to wait until June.

Will report the final results for this go-round, tomorrow.

IUI 1: Day 22 - Post IUI Day 9

Man, did I just disappear when the I got to the good stuff? So LexVegas was great and I fully took part in the drunk fest that it was. And then some. And then some more. And then, well, yeah...let's just leave it at that.

SO, I arrived back home on my day 12 in time for my day 13 appoinment to check out my follicles and hormone levels. The news was good: I had a couple mature follicles - which are developed egg sacs with mature eggs. Apparently anything that measures over 20 mm? is considered mature - and I had two of them. Yay, left ovary! I took the shot of Ovidrel on Sunday, April 10. Here is the evidence:

It didn't hurt and I didn't mind giving myself the shot - but I'm kinda weird like that.

I went on Monday to collect my lil' buddies - which was a total fiasco thanks to a booking error by the clinic. Basically, while on my 45-minute drive to collect the little swimmers, my wonderful nurse called because she happened to check the schedule because she saw that I had "triggered" aka - took Ovidrel. So yeah, I actually was scheduled for 2 weeks later! NOT GOOD! After some rearranging she got me in basically down the street from the cryobank, but 4 hours later - which required me to:

1) Drive to get swimmers (8:30 a.m.) - 45-minutes

2) Drive home from swimmer bank - 45-minutes
3) Drive swimmers to clinic to thaw - 45-minutes

4) Wait for swimmers to thaw before being inseminated - 1.5 hours
5) Check cycle stats in cool Doctor program while undressing from the waist down - 2 minutes

6)Get inseminated-10 minutes

7) Drive back home (again) - 45-minutes

To say the least it was a LONG day. So, the procedure itself is super easy and barely feels like anything. It was pretty scary though, driving to the clinic and waiting around. I kept thinking to myself - wow, this could be the last time I'm not a mom. I mean, what if I did get pregnant that day? That would be the last day in my life where I did anything without a child in mind. I was a bundle of nerves, and made a call to my dad for some reassuring prayer and some pre-insemination confidence. It made me feel a lot better. Anyway, the insemination went like this:

- Lay on table
- Doctor reviews donor number 6 times to make sure it's the right one
- Doctor tells me I have 6 million live ones after the thaw
- Strange gynecologic device placed in the nether regions to open my cervix
- Disturbingly long tube inserted into nether regions and contents emptied directly into my primed and awaiting uterus
- Lay on table for 7 minutes while timer slowly counts down
- Drive home. Experience mild cramping.

That's pretty much it. I got to do it again (closer to home and only the thaw/wait an hour and a half) routine on the 12th. It took about 20 seconds from lie on table to emptying of the tube the second time. Scheduled blood test for the 26th.

Anyway, right about now I don't feel any different than normal. I think it's too early to feel pregnant - so right now I just feel really fat. Maybe because I want to shove everything into my mouth, probably as a substitute to the alcohol units I haven't had in about 11 days. Perhaps new world record for me.

I'm taking progesterone 2x daily - and that's a whole different experience that I really won't discuss here. I take that to support a pregnancy if I did, in fact, get knocked up. I'm going to start taking pregnancy tests tomorrow because it should be about the time when the Ovidrel is out of my system (it will give false positive until it's completely out of my system). Anyway, won't know for sure until a week from today.

Update: 4/20 at 11:10 - day after I wrote the above (thanks to a Red Eye from SLC via LAX) - took my first pregnancy test today. Very clearly NEGATIVE--no hints or faint additional lines. So, that definitively means the HCG/Ovidrel is out of my system...doesn't mean I'm not pregnant (blood test will be the final rule of thumb), but it's not looking like this cycle will be a one-and-done kind of thing...

IUI 1: Day 10 - The Last Hoorah?

Heading to LexVegas today for the girls weekend. Wouldn't it be totally ironic if this weekend was the last hoorah? Getting to be with my best friends, in my favorite city that I used to call home, carefree and wild - for the last time (at least for a good long time).

Sunday is the day we'll know if it's 'trigger' time...I'm so nervous.

Back soon...

IUI 1: Day 8 - Clomid Makes Me Crazy

I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck at 40 mph. I haven't wanted to do anything much more than sleep since late Sunday. I'm experiencing mood swings!!!!!, headache, nausea, some depression, oh and the hot flashes they are awesome! I would curl up on the couch or my bed right now if given the opportunity (or if I didn't have to hold down a J-O-B. Pretty much I feel absolutely lousy and I'm glad tonight is the last pill.

I leave in 2 days for LexVegas, and I'm feeling  a little mixed up about it. I really can't wait to see my friends -- some of whom I haven't seen in several years. But I am kind of dreading the inevitable - it will be a total drunk fest on Friday from sun up to sun down. I am worried I'll enjoy myself so much that I'll forget that I'm trying to get preggo 2 days later! Who knows, maybe this good-time gal will learn how to control herself and stick to water instead of 400 Miller Lites and a pack of smokes.

The last few days of craziness have had me stuck inside my head again and I've come to the realization that I'm compartmentalizing my feelings and still scared of what next week will bring. I know that I do want to have children, but I'm scared of becoming a mother--I'm scared of not being a good mother. I'm scared that I will always be selfish and that I won't grow up. I don't want to be scared or selfish. I want to be a good mother who makes good choices. I decided to start seeing a therapist to have someone to talk to about this process and about some of my other vices that I won't go into here. I can't get into see her until the 20th of this month, but at least I have it to look towards.

This time next week I may have had my two IUI's and I'll be in waiting mode. I'm scared and anxious. But I have hope that it will work and a new chapter will begin - and I will begin again, too, in the right direction.